The Soloist

This movie reminds us that we can’t judge a book by its cover. Robert Downey, Jr. plays a journalist who meets Jamie Foxx, a homeless guy. As it turns out, this homeless guy was, at one time, one of the most gifted violinists ever to attend Juliard. Wow! Intriguing! Where have I heard this story before? Hmmm…white journalist meets black homeless guy with a more-than-meets-the-eye past. Oh yeah, “Resurrecting the Champ.” Let’s just take this movie and replace the boxer with a violinist.

Just keep this in mind kids: That crackhead on the streets could be a former professional bowler, concert pianist, or college professor. Or, he could really just be a crackhead.

Notorious

This biopic follows the life of the late Notorious B.I.G from his roots in Brooklyn to his death. Really, no need to watch this. Just listen to “Juicy,” throw in “Sky’s the Limit” and save yourself the ticket price. Or, if you’re one of those visual types, rent “Fat Albert” and listen to those songs while watching.

Resurrecting the Champ

Saw this movie today on Starz. Josh Hartnett is a second-generation journalist living in the shadow of his late father’s legacy. He meets a homeless guy that talks like Dave Chapelle’s Tyrone Biggums, looks like Predator, and is about as coherent as John Nash. Thinking this guy is some ex-Champion boxer, Hartnett sets out to make a name for himself by writing about this one-time fighter turned transient.

This movie centers around how sons want their fathers to be proud of them and vice-versa. Apparently, lying is a justifiable way to accomplish this. Josh Hartnett’s character is so eager for his son’s admiration that he fabricates stories about being friends with pro athletes. On the other side, he’s so eager to live up to the journalistic standards set by his father that he goes so far as to write a nationally syndicated article without actually verifying that this homeless guy is who he says he is. He sees two seconds of video of an old fight and runs with it. “Yup! That’s him! He showed me that scar.” Uh…no dumbass. Your friend isn’t the champ. He’s the OTHER black guy in the fight. The one getting his ass whooped.

Overall, might have been good if all the characters weren’t liars and the main conflict wasn’t that a journalist didn’t do his job.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

As you can see from the trailers, this is a movie about a guy that ages backwards. Apparently its based on some short-story by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I wonder why they couldn’t keep it short! Early in the movie, Brad Pitt is a raisiney little 8-year-old that slightly resembles Yogurt from Spaceballs. As time progresses, he becomes physically younger. They also throw in a love interest (Cate Blanchett)– a dancer who loses her ability to dance after she twirls blindly into the and gets hit by a car — and have her narrate the story as an old woman. With her shaky, drawn-out voice, she sounds more like a Southern ghost — Or a southern version of Dae Han from “Best of the Best” after he gets his ass kicked (if you’ve seen that movie).

That’s about it. No deeper meaning or lessons here. She ages normally; He ages backwards. “Let’s cross our fingers and hope for an Oscar nod.” Moral of the story: Don’t twirl into oncoming traffic.

Oh how creative! They made the print on the poster backwards!

Marley & Me

A writer decides to placate his wife’s desire for children by getting a puppy instead.  He ends up with a pet he can’t control, laughs it off, writes a book about it, sells the rights, and makes millions.  I can’t wait for the next book, merchandise, movie empire some celebrity will be inspired to create — “My Adopted Third-World Kid & Me.” And that puppy with a bow is too freakin’ cute!

Seven Pounds

Will Smith plays a guy trying to atone for killing seven people in a car accident caused when he was checking his Blackberry instead of watching the road. Let me tell you something Will Smith, YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY! Many a time has a driver swerved in front of me because he was texting when he should have been DRIVING. But I digress.

The proposed resolution to his guilt? “Find seven deserving people who need my organs and kill myself with a jellyfish so they can have them.” If you were trying to get back into heaven after killing those people, this plan is probably going to let you down, Will Smith — Last I checked, suicide keeps you out of heaven too.

Plus it was a little lame that the “love scene” was about 10 seconds of ambiguous skin shots. Don’t lie, some of you wanted to see this movie just for the chance at some Rosario Dawson skin.

Slumdog Millionaire

Some kid from the slums of India gets all the way to the final round of the Indian “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” because, miraculously, all the questions are related to his life.  Gee, I hope next time I go from office tea server to TV gameshow contestant with a shot at a million dollars the question is “What color were your elementary school’s monkey bars?” Oh the joys of being a slumdog of destiny!

Bolt

This is a movie is about a dog that stars in an action TV series and thinks he really is a super hero. He gets separated from his girl and sets out on a cross-country journey to get back to Hollywood. A few things:

• I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to send pets through the mail.
• A giant door would totally crush a plastic hamster ball.
• Cats are jerks. Do you really think a cat would teach a dog how to be a dog?
• Disney totally bit off the Animaniacs Goodfeathers with those stupid pigeons.

Surprise, he finds the girl at the end and all three animals live happily ever after.